so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
