took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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