mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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