Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
