Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
