Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We were destined to go to rehab together
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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