How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
