Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
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I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
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I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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