apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
