Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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