Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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