it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
