Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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