Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Non-Jews are for practice
Screwed.edu
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
