Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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