I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
