So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
