Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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