I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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