we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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