im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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