If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
