I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
