Too much gin, very little bucket
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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