She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
