Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
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official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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