This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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