Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
