If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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