I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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