he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize