he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
