so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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