i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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