Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
