I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I AM VODKA MAN
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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