Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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