If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
