So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
