when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
