Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
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