i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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