a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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