her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
