she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
