Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
His hands were made for my vagina.
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize