Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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