Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I currently don't understand fingers.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
