How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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