Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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