I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
