so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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