oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
