fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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