SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
