I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
