No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
