My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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