i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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